Things I like

My wife, Debbie
I'm putting her first even though she is currently mad at me for telling her to clean her shit off the dresser draws (which was totally covered in girly cosmetic stuff). She wants to know who made me Hitler for the day. I told her that dictators are self appointed. Send Debbie an email.

Travelling
Mark Twain once famously wrote, "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts." Too true and not only that, beer is often cheaper across the border and you get to do stuff abroad that the Health and Safety officials have banned back home.

Reasons for travelling to:
Asia – because with its ancient temples, colourful festivals and exotic food, Asia has a lot offer and seemingly something for everyone. For me, it’s their English. No one can butcher the language in quite the same way as Asians can. In the words of a former English student, “We were lovers, but now she is my biggest enema.”

Africa – Because keeping on the upside of the food chain in a place filled with claws and teeth has never been more fun. Although in reality, the most dangerous thing in Africa are the safari operators. Before you can say “I don’t want to see another damn wildebeest” you’re be booked on a four-day camping trip around some guy's backyard at $100 a day.

Pacific – With more islands and beaches than you can throw a beach-towel on, the Pacific isn’t all fun and games. For example there are also Australians and box jellyfish - although many believe these to be one and the same. But the point is – the Pacific is more than just an ocean, it's an ocean of adventure.

The Americas – Everyone speaks English in North America – well kind of. The service is great and the best thing, the people – they're very interesting, although very busy. Down in Central America there's much to do beside knocking down tequilas on sandy-white, palm-fringed beaches. There’s stuff like culture and jungles and wildlife - although not all at the same time. And as for South America, well from the Andes to the Amazon – it’s one hell of a ride – Incas, Aztecs, Mayans – so many ancient lost civilizations it made my brain hurt just trying to absorb it all. There are also snakes – man-eating Anacondas!

Middle East – A.K.A. ‘The Axis of Evil’. Ohhh spooky. Actually, the axis of evil isn’t all that evil. In fact it’s full of really nice people and a great place to get carpets. My only advice, if someone asks you what you think about freedom fighters, don't quip 'Isn't fighting for peace like screwing for virginity?' Trust me.